Scumbag Haiku #1 & #2

I love you, baby,
mostly more than anything,
except your sister.

----------------------------

That dress is lovely,
and so are those pearl earrings,
but your face is not.

Pizza Topping Ideas

HERE IS A FACT:

You're tired of the same-old, same-old. You have had every pizza topping in the books (The Bible, Papa John's Secret Recipe Book 3000, Any Bitch Can Cook) and you're bored with all of them. That's where we come in.

The Shimmy is proud to offer this list of innovative pizza topping ideas that will keep your pies original and delicious for the next two decades at least. Enjoy, feasters.

1. Any kind of corn.--"Corn pizza!?" you interrobang, "how sick!" But you'll change your little melody the minute you bite into the end of a cob covered in marinara and three kinds of cheese. It's straight up bonkers how tasty corn makes any meal, but this is especially true for 'za. If you really want to mix it up, try creamed corn.


2. Bacon grease.--Is there anything more mouth-watering than pan-fried bacon for breakfast? Pizza of course! That's why this topping is such a treat. There are entire articles all over the internet dedicated to uses for bacon grease, when the best use is obvious--dump it on a pizza! Just fry up some bacon, dispose of the strips, and pour the grease evenly over any type of pizza. Ka-ching! You've combined the two best tastes on the globe into one easy-too-eat pleasurecluster for the mouth.

"But Shimmy," you might say, "I tried this and scalded my mouth, throat, innards, etc. on the grease!" Well sure. That's part of the experience. We're going for UNIQUE pizza toppings, remember? But if you can't handle it, then you can always try this alternative method: let the grease sit in the pan for a few hours, right out in the elements. Once it's turned to glop, grab a spatula and spread a generous layer from crust to crust. This gives the pizza a texture that can only be described as Spackle-esque, and it just might become your go-to add-on.


3. Hot dog shavings--Sometimes, the best ideas come from places you'd never expect. I was putting together one of my old standbys--lettuce, husks, cottage cheese and soy sauce on a barley crust--when I decided I'd mix things up. I asked my little nephew, who would share the pizza with me, what he wanted on it. He only thought for a second before making his suggestion with glee--hot dogs! It's not what I would've picked, but I made it happen. The results were a surprise on level with winning two free iPod Nanos on the internet. I was overjoyed.

The problem, of course, is that the minute you start throwing chunks of Hebrew Nationals on a pizza is the minute people stop taking you seriously. I needed a way to provide the all the oral nuances of hot dogs without any of the stigma. That's when I came up with hot dog shavings. They look so good, no one will know that they aren't some gourmet concoction. Problem solved.

The method for making hot dog shavings is easier than you think. Just grab 2-3 large hot dogs (I prefer cooked, but will use uncooked in a pinch) and a potato peeler. I peel the hot dogs right over the pizza for that "fall-where-they-may" look. After you've done all three, put the pizza in the oven. I set it to "broil" for a little extra crackle.

As a bonus, the hot dog middles make an excellent snack while you're waiting for your pizza to cook!


4. You've worn out pepperoni, so why not try super pepperoni? What the p. is that, you ask? Oh, you know, it's just the topping that's going to make you fall in love with pizza all over again.

To make a super pepperoni, grab a bunch of pepperonis and dip them in pretty much any oil (I don't recommend motor or lamp). Then throw the dipped pepperoni into something that'll stick. I like breadcrumbs, alfalfa, Long John Silver's grease crumblies, and salt, but you should experiment on this one. Once the oily pep is covered in a foreign substance, toss em on the 'za and dig in! You'll thank me so hard.


5. Last but not least, you can top your pizza with another type of pizza. Now that you've read it, I'm sure you're thinking "oh geez, how obvious," but be honest--have you ever done it before? I didn't think so.

Adding another type of pizza to your pizza is the ultimate strategy for kicking your boring meal right in the farter. Eating a deep-dish meat lovers? Put a thin-crust veggie on top. Making a BBQ chicken, Chicago-style? Why not cover it with three personal pans? I've even topped a water chestnut and avocado New York slice with a few Bagel Bites on the go.You cannot go wrong with this method. You just can't.


On behalf of myself and the rest of the Shimmy staff, I'd like to thank you for reading this list and continuing to experiment with pizza originality. It's people like you, who are willing to try new things and get your hands dirty, that make all the difference.

Rip-off.

More caption fun:



























"Why did you buy this?"

"This Hummer is poorly drawn."

"I don't think I love you anymore."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Who parked this here?"

"I think my car is melting."

Caption Contest Woes

Here at The Shimmy, we pride ourselves on writing great captions. I mean, it's right on our business cards.

So why is the New Yorker shunning us!? We enter almost every week, and they always give the prize to some doucher instead of the rightful victors: us.

Here is a great example. Check out our sweet captions for this picture.





"Why are you down there?"

"What are you?"

"What's going on?"

"One man crawls on all fours while another man looks confused."

"Where is your suit?"

"Do you have any Oreos?"

"See this tie?

"Franklin Delano Rosevelt, Age 8."




See how awesome? What gives?

Six Things to Eat

If you're in the mood for barfing, eat one or all of these things:

1. Screws.
2. A Crow's Beak.
3. Can of mace.
4. Can of mice.
5. Creamed corn mixed with bark.
6. Asbestos Sandwich.

Sorry About the Mess: A Star Wars FanFic by Andrew

Lately I've gotten SOOOO into fan fiction. I've been trying to capture the voice of the genre. Hope you enjoy.



Chewbacca was chilling at Mos Eisley cantina waiting for Han to get out of the bathroom which might take a while because Han had like 15 Beam and Blue Milk's and a double dewback burger with extra cheese and Chewie was getting really bored so he stood up and these two droids came up to him and they were hot-looking girl droids and Wuher the bartender was like we don't serve your kind here and Chewie growled at him a little bit so he chilled out.

"Hey sexy wookie we're two HRDs and we want to have a 3-way with you for the whole afternoon." They said.

And Chew grunted his approval and the chick droids asked for like 200 credits each and Chewie got pissed and growled (really loud!) and scared the two droids and then he tore the arm off of one and the leg off another and Wuher started laughing and then so did Chewie but the droids didn't and then Han stumbled out of the bathroom and was like "Hey Chewie let's get more drunk" and so they did and I think the droids just left or something.

Some diseases I made up.

1. Blood Face- This one really is bad because blood comes out of your face a lot. It's often very awkward, like when you're giving blood and the nurse can't find the vein in your arm. You start to get kind of noticeably upset, and the nurse is flustered cause it's her first day on the job. Then, blood starts to ooze from your face and she looks up, so you're like, "Well, your job just got a lot easier." She looks surprised, then relieved.
2. Yawning- It's contageous like a disease, am I right? So is laughter, sometimes.
   
3. Tuxedo Skin- Self-explanatory.
   
4. Being Annoying
5. Malaysian Melting Shin Disease- This mysterious and horrifying malady is contracted in Malaysia.
6. Thrombosis- Actually, some people have this.
7. Burning Belly- I think I have this. Right now.

Ouch.

See ya.

For Old Time's Sake

A new Story With Sauce, which I am only barely authorized to write. Maybe it should be called something else.


An invitation arrives. For an eating contest! The participants can choose what they eat. Mindy chooses jelly. Haper picks nickels. You go with bacon (bits?) WRONG CHOICE! It wasn't even an eating contest, it was obviously a food-choosing contest. Who will Dole out the punishment? You're waiting in the room, the little room with the faucet drip. Drip. Hum the tune... The door opens. It's Bob Dole! His name was a pun, and you've won the prize. The prize is a mousetrap (mouse included) Everyone loves it, and all this time you thought you were a Democrat.

Entertaining Google Image search [4]

"Monster Bite Cupcake"

Monster Bite Cupcake

Listen up, jerks

There have been a lot of rumors about this blog falling asleep or maybe dying and those rumors are squelched. More updates will come.

Here's one of our Google image searches, for "Pudding Monster"

Pudding Monster