"Trumpet Accident"
Trumpet Accident
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
R.L. Stine would be proud.
So, I was watching this great program on E! last month: a rigorous retrospective on the life and career of famed author R.L. Stine, and was hit with a great idea for a Goosebumps book.
Here goes...
#63: There's Something Strange...About Dad
In this installment, 13-year-old Kevin Jones and his 8-year-old sister Elizabeth "Bitty" Jones find themselves in quite a conundrum. It seems their widower dad might be an evil warlock bent on world domination via magick (ancient magic)!
Oh no!
As the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse (that happens once every thousand years or something) approaches, their dad starts acting very strange! He sends them to a camp the week of the Eclipse. The night of it, they sneak out and back home with the help of Ed, the "cool," child-hearted camp counselor who is also the only one who believes their wild story.
Anyway, when they get to their house, they go inside. However, instead of a magick ritual, they find Mr. Jones wearing the skin of a young librarian, dancing around the house in the dark with the song "Black Magic Woman" by Fleetwood Mac blaring. He's not a warlock! He's a serial killer! Woah! When he sees them, he starts screaming, "I'm a pretty boy and you can't kill a pretty boy!" over and over again. He lunges at them with a giant, bloody butcher's knife. Ed jumps in front of the kids to protect them, and takes a fatal blow to the throat, sending blood everywhere. All over the kids.
What are they going to do?!
They manage to run into their dad's room, where there is another young librarian tied to a chair. I think she's dead. They lock the door and call the police. When the police get there, they find Mr. Jones in the fetal position in the bathtub, humming to himself, the librarian skin draped over the curtain rod like a towel. What follows is a three-month long investigation and excavation of the home, under which they discover the bodies of twenty-four more young librarians from all over the tri-state area, which brings the total count up to twenty-six victims (possibly more, as they did find limbs that didn't go to any of the other victims).
Kevin and "Bitty" become wards of the state, and despite their requests, are split up. Kevin is sent to an orphanage in Houston, and "Bitty" is quickly adopted by a middle class family in Dover, Delaware.
"Bitty" goes on to become a veterinarian and amateur painter.
Kevin goes on to become a black magick warlock.
THE END
Sorry I gave away the twist.
and BTW, the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse was a red herring. It's a literary technique.
Red herring on Wikipedia
I've sent several drafts to Mr. Stine's office, but have yet to hear back.
I'll be sure to keep you all updated!
Here goes...
#63: There's Something Strange...About Dad
In this installment, 13-year-old Kevin Jones and his 8-year-old sister Elizabeth "Bitty" Jones find themselves in quite a conundrum. It seems their widower dad might be an evil warlock bent on world domination via magick (ancient magic)!
Oh no!
As the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse (that happens once every thousand years or something) approaches, their dad starts acting very strange! He sends them to a camp the week of the Eclipse. The night of it, they sneak out and back home with the help of Ed, the "cool," child-hearted camp counselor who is also the only one who believes their wild story.
Anyway, when they get to their house, they go inside. However, instead of a magick ritual, they find Mr. Jones wearing the skin of a young librarian, dancing around the house in the dark with the song "Black Magic Woman" by Fleetwood Mac blaring. He's not a warlock! He's a serial killer! Woah! When he sees them, he starts screaming, "I'm a pretty boy and you can't kill a pretty boy!" over and over again. He lunges at them with a giant, bloody butcher's knife. Ed jumps in front of the kids to protect them, and takes a fatal blow to the throat, sending blood everywhere. All over the kids.
What are they going to do?!
They manage to run into their dad's room, where there is another young librarian tied to a chair. I think she's dead. They lock the door and call the police. When the police get there, they find Mr. Jones in the fetal position in the bathtub, humming to himself, the librarian skin draped over the curtain rod like a towel. What follows is a three-month long investigation and excavation of the home, under which they discover the bodies of twenty-four more young librarians from all over the tri-state area, which brings the total count up to twenty-six victims (possibly more, as they did find limbs that didn't go to any of the other victims).
Kevin and "Bitty" become wards of the state, and despite their requests, are split up. Kevin is sent to an orphanage in Houston, and "Bitty" is quickly adopted by a middle class family in Dover, Delaware.
"Bitty" goes on to become a veterinarian and amateur painter.
Kevin goes on to become a black magick warlock.
THE END
Sorry I gave away the twist.
and BTW, the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse was a red herring. It's a literary technique.
Red herring on Wikipedia
I've sent several drafts to Mr. Stine's office, but have yet to hear back.
I'll be sure to keep you all updated!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
tmwiwh.
two more website ideas we had...
www.barfbarn.com
a website where you can upload and share your favorite pet pics with other pet lovers.
www.spooningpic.com*
just a redirect to some heavily spyware-laden taiwanese website displaying a large, photoshopped picture of j. edgar hoover spooning with katherine hepburn.
*not work safe
www.barfbarn.com
a website where you can upload and share your favorite pet pics with other pet lovers.
www.spooningpic.com*
just a redirect to some heavily spyware-laden taiwanese website displaying a large, photoshopped picture of j. edgar hoover spooning with katherine hepburn.
*not work safe
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Some websites.
We're thinking of hopping on the dotcom bandwagon and making thousands, just like everyone else. Here are a few of our ideas:
www.scabpics.com
First of all, the address is a pun. Yup.
But more importantly, this would be a website where scab enthusiasts and fetishists could post pictures of their gnarliest scabs. Categories would include "bloodiest", "most symmetrical", "largest", and "most like a celebrity face". Visitors could vote for their favorites, and post videos of themselves picking their scabs in unique ways. A goldmine.
www.petcomputers.com
The pet business is booming, and we want a big piece of the pie. This website would cater to an untapped market: desktops and laptops designed especially for dogs, birds, and lizards. Our products would feature specially designed keyboards and mice (haha!) that pets could learn to use easily. They could finally access the myspace accounts their owners have made for them, and think of all the cute pics of animals using their own computers! Hehe!
www.inter.net
While not technically a dotcom, this website would still be a money-maker. It has another pun address, for starters, and it would also cater to those of us who do not know how to "surf" the World Wide Web. "Newbies" could simply log on, surf over to the site, and be using the internet in no time.
www.yahoo.com
This website would be all about fun. It would have fun pictures, fun links, fun videos, and superfun other stuff, too. Pretty much anything that makes a visitor say "yahoo!"
Gotta go. My Dinty Moore beef stew is done. All of these website ideas are ours. Don't even think about taking them.
www.scabpics.com
First of all, the address is a pun. Yup.
But more importantly, this would be a website where scab enthusiasts and fetishists could post pictures of their gnarliest scabs. Categories would include "bloodiest", "most symmetrical", "largest", and "most like a celebrity face". Visitors could vote for their favorites, and post videos of themselves picking their scabs in unique ways. A goldmine.
www.petcomputers.com
The pet business is booming, and we want a big piece of the pie. This website would cater to an untapped market: desktops and laptops designed especially for dogs, birds, and lizards. Our products would feature specially designed keyboards and mice (haha!) that pets could learn to use easily. They could finally access the myspace accounts their owners have made for them, and think of all the cute pics of animals using their own computers! Hehe!
www.inter.net
While not technically a dotcom, this website would still be a money-maker. It has another pun address, for starters, and it would also cater to those of us who do not know how to "surf" the World Wide Web. "Newbies" could simply log on, surf over to the site, and be using the internet in no time.
www.yahoo.com
This website would be all about fun. It would have fun pictures, fun links, fun videos, and superfun other stuff, too. Pretty much anything that makes a visitor say "yahoo!"
Gotta go. My Dinty Moore beef stew is done. All of these website ideas are ours. Don't even think about taking them.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Margot at the Wedding: Alternate Titles
- Margot on her period.
- Margot forgets her Mydol™.
- In which the protagonist, while attending her estranged sister's wedding, forgets her Mydol™ while on or right before her period.
- Noah Baumbach is a taint.
See it though. It's great.
Don't forget what we told you a few posts ago.
Friday, May 30, 2008
knock-knock joke.
I hate teaching knock-knock jokes to kids.
Here is one.
"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"You know which celebrity didn't age well?"
"Who?"
"Jane Fonda."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"I know, right?"
"..."
"..."
"Get off my porch."
Bye.
Here is one.
"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"You know which celebrity didn't age well?"
"Who?"
"Jane Fonda."
"Yeah, tell me about it."
"I know, right?"
"..."
"..."
"Get off my porch."
Bye.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Pastimes
My favorite thing to do is type sentences without any "e"s.
Here are some:
I have to go.
Here are some:
- Dangit.
- That sucks.
- This sucks.
- This book sucks.
- Do you want this book?
- I don't want it.
- It is boring.
- You is boring.
- Blood is on your shirt.
I have to go.
kids say the darndest things.
Here's a scenario in which a kid might have an opportunity to say a, like, really darnded thing.
ME: Hey, kid. Who's your favorite character in Of Mice and Men?
KID: Ghostface Killah.
See what I mean?
Anyway, it's time to wrap this up.
ME: Hey, kid. Who's your favorite character in Of Mice and Men?
KID: Ghostface Killah.
See what I mean?
Anyway, it's time to wrap this up.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
quick post
There are a few items here to go over. All are monster related.
(Also, be sure to notice the previous post. Also, read it)
Item 1. A joke:
Q: What did the monster eat for breakfast?
A: Some kids.
Q: And why is that funny?
A: I don't know. Population control?
Item 2. Werewolves never remember to check the parking meter. It's probably because of all that fur in their eyes.
Item 3. If there are two zombies, and they're both kids, do they want to play tag or something?
Item 4. Another joke:
Q: Who in their right mind would punch a demon?
A: Good question.
Item 5. Dracula does whatever he wants.
(Also, be sure to notice the previous post. Also, read it)
Item 1. A joke:
Q: What did the monster eat for breakfast?
A: Some kids.
Q: And why is that funny?
A: I don't know. Population control?
Item 2. Werewolves never remember to check the parking meter. It's probably because of all that fur in their eyes.
Item 3. If there are two zombies, and they're both kids, do they want to play tag or something?
Item 4. Another joke:
Q: Who in their right mind would punch a demon?
A: Good question.
Item 5. Dracula does whatever he wants.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Top 100 Funny Things, or whatever.
The Shimmy's Top 100 Funny Things in the World.
(anything that isn't on this list probably isn't funny, or is only funny to you)
1. A ballpoint pen that's impractically big, in a comical way.
2. A battery-operated toy that says catch phrases, but the batteries are going dead, so when the thing says something, it's all low and garbled and you can't understand it, although that can also be creepy.
3. When a car accident happens off-screen, and you hear the sound of it and then see one tire come rolling across the screen, so long as the no one got hurt in the wreck and altogether it was comical.
4. A bigger pen that blows up when you click it, like the cartoons.
5. A baby that falls from an extremely high height, only to land on a canvas overhang for a local shop, then to bounce, giggling, into the arms of the mailman. (much less funny if there is no canvas overhang, even less funny if there is no mailman and the baby bounces, giggling, into oncoming traffic.
6. Fart jokes.
7. A person with a secret is talking to the one person that shouldn't know the secret. The person with the secret suspects that the other actually does know. In a seemingly tense conversation, the person who shouldn't know seems to be alluding to the secret at hand, when he is in fact alluding to something else altogether. The person with the secret is so tense/guilt-ridden that he or she confesses, only learning afterward what the person was actually alluding to. (Bonus points if the thing actually alluded to (T.T.A.A.) is exceptionally trivial).
8. A sword swallower who's swallowed too many swords, but in a slapstick way. Really, he's fine. Maybe he even did it on purpose, just to get a good laugh.
9. A guy who's hungry in a funny way.
10. When four guys in the desert are passing around a canteen, all drinking their fill until the last guy (the guy on the end) goes to drink and only a drop comes out! And he's so mad.
11. Fart jokes, remember? We said that already.
12. A man who is so frightened by something he sees in the water (a shark, a jellyfish, his mother-in-law (funny in and of itself)) that he literally leaves the water with fear, his feet spin while he is suspended over the water, and then he runs atop the water to dry land.
13. "You might be a redneck..." jokes.
14. Number 13.
15. When elderly people have deteriorating brains and must be led around, told who everyone is, and are constantly disoriented. But only when it is funny.
16. A clown that's at a child's birthday party, but he can't make the kids laugh. They're all just miserable and crying. But the clown isn't a weird serial killer or pedophile or anything, he's a nice guy, just not a talented clown.
17. Guys in suits covered in mud chasing a hillbilly through a swamp.
18. A guy with bugged-out eyes (see Marty Feldman. He was a good man.)
19. A guy who is a horrible singer that thinks he's good singing in front of hundreds of people. they all ridicule him (but his self-esteem is like steel, so really this is very funny, even to him).
20. A guy with no clothes, who is forced to wear a barrel for clothes.
21. The guess what / chicken butt maneuver.
22. Whenever someone is hiding so that they can jump out and surprise a person, but then that person they want to surprise sneaks up on them.
23. A gray cloud over someone's head that indicates that they are mad.
24. Staring someone straight in the eyes and saying "belch".
25. When someone says something obvious and then the camera focuses on someone else who says "duh!" and then the live studio audience laughs.
26. When someone sees a hot girl and their eyes shoot out and their tongue rolls out like a carpet, as long as these things aren't permanent things that would really affect their life in a negative way. Also, as long as the girl doesn't feel sexually harassed or anything, like she likes the attention and finds it charming or cute or whatever.
27. An older guy (long, blonde hair) with GIANT teeth who is funny and nice, not mean.
28. Getting really chapped hands in the winter that bleed occasionally.
29. Actually, after thinking about it, there's really nothing funny about number 28.
30. The fact that apple juice and urine look identical when put into a clear drinking glass.
31. When you think someone's following you in a dark alley, then you look behind you to realize it was only the sole of your shoe, or a stray puppy or something. Not a murderer. That's not funny.
32. Making a funny face to just about anyone.
33. Calling someone a "grouch" when in reality they're super nice, cause doing this wouldn't bother them anyway, but you'd get a kick out of it.
34. Hitting animals with hammers. If the person doing the hitting is also an animal, the hammer is oversized, and the hit animal goes all accordion-like as a result.
35. A man who looks very handsome from behind, so someone lovely approaches him, only to learn that he is actually quite disgusting. And also he's totally okay with himself because he realizes he has lots of good qualities. But she doesn't know that.
36. The Hamburglar.
37. Getting a rock in your trick-or-treat sack.
38. Funny voices in serious situations. (Not life-threatening serious. Just sorta serious)
39. If someone were to go cow tipping, but when they try, they actually fall over and then the cow might poop on them, or maybe they just fall into cow poop, and what if the cow started laughing? In a human voice!?
40. Dumping your fiance at the altar...to go to a really fun get-together! (She's there, too!)
41. Any animal wearing glasses. In reality they can see just fine.
42. Nothing in the world is funny.
43. Poop, period.
44. When you drink pop and then laugh, subsequently getting that fizzy feeling in your nose (except this time it doesn't hurt) and you're laughing and your friends are laughing and a great booming voice from nowhere says, "Somebody get this kid a doctor!" Where'd that voice come from?!
45. Seriously, where did that voice come from? Oh! And another funny thing is if the voice has a funny accent, like German or Persian or something. I don't know, something funny.
46. The confusion regarding numbers 28 and 29.
47. What is a joke?
48. A person who speaks in a voice that does not match their appearance.
49. If you're playing Clue, and it is really hard, and no one can figure out the mystery, and then your dad realizes he never put the cards in the case envelope and instead just passed them out. Then anytime your family wants to play Clue again, someone goes "Don't let Dad be in charge of the cards!" and everyone kinda laughs and winks at him, and your dad has a red face, and he's smiling too. And then, while you're playing, the family cat jumps on the table, and Mom goes "Looks like someone wants to be a detective!" and your little brother goes "He can be on my team!" and there is just so much laughing.
50. If you farted and it was kind of whistle-y. Like it played the theme from the Andy Griffith Show unexpectedly, that would be one example.
51. That commercial where the baby is running around in a walker, and it is like running up walls and stuff while "Sabre Dance" plays.
52. Any guy that's named "Fats." (Bonus points if he's actually fat. Although, if he's skinny I guess that would get irony points.)
53. The word "chortle." Wtf? It's like, who made that word up?
Oh...I'm being told it was Lewis Carroll. That's still pretty funny, though, right?
54. In Disney's Aladdin when the cave of wonders says "diamond in the rough" and it echoes a whole bunch. I don't know why, I just think that's really funny.
55. When you're at your wedding, and you look back to your best man to hand you the ring, and instead he pulls out something different as a joke, like a rubber chicken or a donut or something. Then after a laugh, he acts like he still doesn't know where the ring is, but he does, and pulls it out. I'd be so mad, though!
56. The phrase "Vaginal Canal" written in calligraphy on an otherwise blank sheet of paper.
57. If maybe one of your close friends was actually a robot. Like a friendly robot.
58. The thing that happens when one person laughs at something in a quiet room, and then quickly shuts up because no one else is laughing, and then everyone starts laughing because of it.
59. A jigsaw puzzle that didn't actually fit together. And seeing how long it would take a person to realize it. Especially if the puzzle was like a 20 piece. And the person was still thinking about it for so long.
60. The candles that when you blow them out, they light themselves again. That must have came to someone in a dream.
61. Medical jargon applied in non-related situations. (I'd give an example, but it's not like I'm a doctor. C'mon.)
62. The word "booger-lover," as in, "Pontius, you're always eating your boogers. You're such a booger-lover."
63. Any hyphenated word.
64. When someone does a face to put someone in a good mood, or to make them laugh, but they don't laugh. Cause then the person that did the face or whatever is all self conscious about making the face and being so vulnerable, but anyway later the person that was in a bad mood says, "Hey, that was actually funny. I just didn't laugh cause i was in a bad mood." Then the person feels better about it, and might have a laugh. Actually, they both probably have a laugh at this, even though he probably won't make that face anymore.
65. When a bus driver yells at all the kids, "Shut up and sit down back there," and all the kids are upset. Then the bus driver cracks a smile and says "Or you won't get any candy!" and then candy starts to fall from somewhere above, like coming out of that escape hatch on the roof or whatever. Plus the guy on the radio's talking about how nice the weather is that day and he says something like, "Today is for the kiiiiiiids!" and everyone's singing. I don't know, just something i thought of.
66. A jukebox with only two CDs-- Ace of Bass - "The Sign" and another copy of Ace of Bass - "The Sign".
67. Gallows humor?
68. What if you were wandering around Disney World or Six Flags or something with your friends and then all of the sudden you saw this ride that was [you]:the ride. And no one asked you if they could do it or anything, but there it was, like a roller coaster with your face on the front and then you rode it and for the rest of the day everyone was like making jokes about you being a fun ride, or how they could ride you all night long or whatever. And then when you got to the place where they show your picture from the ride, everyone saw that you were licking the ear of the person next to you while giving a thumbs up. And that person is a stranger and looks really concerned in the pic.
69. Hehe.
70. If real life was like the old time silent movies in that whenever someone stole something, or did something cheeky, we'd run around all sped-up with like a honky-tonk piano playing, you know? And someone would say, "Don't let that old coot get away!" except you wouldn't actually say it, but it'd appear on screen as a title slide since there was no sound. Times were rough back then.
71. If you could just dig your hands in the dirt anywhere and bring up a handful of gold. People would be like, "How can you do that?"
72. If you put a skull on a post outside of your best friend's door so that when they came out in the morning they saw it there and it was like a really funny inside joke between the two of you.
73. Two words: Shaq Attack.
74. The opening sequence to Home Improvement, especially the grunts.
75. If your second-smallest toe was tie-dyed without explanation.
76. If you say "noodlin'" to mean messing around, i.e. "Quit noodlin' with those dials, you'll break the television box!"
77. Also, in Disney's Aladdin, when Jafar calls prince "Ali" (Aladdin) Prince "A-boo-boo" instead. Haha, I love that.
78. Oh! That dancing "millennium baby?" Remember that? Oh, man. it looked so fake and kind of, like, off-putting (see number 63). I just remembered about that baby.
79. Accordions when out-of-place. (i.e. in a basketball game, on a battlefield, during sexual intercourse)
80. If you were going through your CD collection with your girlfriend and you found a copy of Chumbawamba's "Tubthumper," and you'd be like, "What the heck? This isn't mine," and then you'd be really embarrassed because of it, and she'd be like "Wait," and then go out to her car. Then she'd come back in with her hand behind her back and then she'd show you her copy of "Tubthumper," and then you'd be like, "Aww, thanks dear," then get married. And when you tell your kids this story, they'd be like "What?"
82. Maybe if you were walking with some friends in the snow, like you and two or three others, and you were very lost. And you were trudging through the snow-covered streets, trying to find a bistro or something, and talking about how lost you are, and one friend just goes "Follow meeeeeeeeee!" and skates away on one foot in the snow as if by magic, leaving a trail to follow behind him. And maybe you go "I hate when he does that".
83. If there was a burping contest, and one contestant just threw up all over the place, and they couldn't decide whether he won or lost. Also, if there were whole hot dogs in the barf.
84. How we still call the people who owned America before we got here "Indians" because our predecessors were completely ignorant to the fact that they were not in India. ...That's...funny, right?
85. Eureeka's Castle, or parts of it anyway.
86. Going to a funeral wearing JNCOs, and being like, "Hey, you guys remember these? Eh? Eeeehh?"
87. Punching a bird out of the air, mid-flight.
88. When you go on vacation, and then come back and go up to someone and be like, "Hey, I got you something," and then you put your hand in your pocket, but when you pull it out, you give them the middle finger.
89. Spouting antiquated phrases during sexual interaction, i.e. "That's the ticket!", "Good show!", "Spot-on!" and "Positively smashing!"
90. Knee-Js.
91. If, in the American film Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, when Hagrid hunts Harry down and says "you're a wizard Harry!", Harry responded: "and you're a hairy wizard!" and everyone was laughing, even Mr. Dursley.
92. If there was a lady in the street with a sign that said "Free Milk!" and a guy went up and said "where is all the... ooooh. oh." And he was kind grossed out but he had some anyway.
93. Hammurabi's code. Was this guy being serious?!
94. A guy in a Santa suit sitting at a harpsichord. I have a Polaroid of this.
95. The time I dressed up like Beethoven for Halloween and people were asking me, "Who are you, George Washington?" and I'd be like, "You're making me reaaallly angry," and the kids were like "Ooooooh." So then I tore off my Beethoven costume and I was wearing a Freddy Krueger costume underneath and yelled, "I warned you!" at everyone. A lot of the adults and even some of the kids thought that was really innovative.
96. Speaking of Harry Potter, it'd be really funny if the Dementors, when they're off duty, went home to like a totally normal house, like one Dementor would go home and say, "Honey, where's dinner? I'm tired from a long day tormenting at Azkaban" and she'd be like, "You don't appreciate me," and that's when he'd break the news about his affair, and they'd have a long talk about custody rights, and who would get the furniture and who would get the television and DVD collection. Actually, they'd probably split the DVD collection.
97. Puns involving thyme/time... Why wasn't the chef very good? Because he had poor thyme management skills.
98. When a group of people is singing and one person isn't super familiar with the song and they end up singing kinda loud alone when no one else is singing. Haha.
99. Calling someone a boob.
100. The only funny items on this list are numbers 3, 35, 42, 58, and 94, but you still read the whole thing, probably. This is the world's great secret.
There you have it. Now go do something productive.
(anything that isn't on this list probably isn't funny, or is only funny to you)
1. A ballpoint pen that's impractically big, in a comical way.
2. A battery-operated toy that says catch phrases, but the batteries are going dead, so when the thing says something, it's all low and garbled and you can't understand it, although that can also be creepy.
3. When a car accident happens off-screen, and you hear the sound of it and then see one tire come rolling across the screen, so long as the no one got hurt in the wreck and altogether it was comical.
4. A bigger pen that blows up when you click it, like the cartoons.
5. A baby that falls from an extremely high height, only to land on a canvas overhang for a local shop, then to bounce, giggling, into the arms of the mailman. (much less funny if there is no canvas overhang, even less funny if there is no mailman and the baby bounces, giggling, into oncoming traffic.
6. Fart jokes.
7. A person with a secret is talking to the one person that shouldn't know the secret. The person with the secret suspects that the other actually does know. In a seemingly tense conversation, the person who shouldn't know seems to be alluding to the secret at hand, when he is in fact alluding to something else altogether. The person with the secret is so tense/guilt-ridden that he or she confesses, only learning afterward what the person was actually alluding to. (Bonus points if the thing actually alluded to (T.T.A.A.) is exceptionally trivial).
8. A sword swallower who's swallowed too many swords, but in a slapstick way. Really, he's fine. Maybe he even did it on purpose, just to get a good laugh.
9. A guy who's hungry in a funny way.
10. When four guys in the desert are passing around a canteen, all drinking their fill until the last guy (the guy on the end) goes to drink and only a drop comes out! And he's so mad.
11. Fart jokes, remember? We said that already.
12. A man who is so frightened by something he sees in the water (a shark, a jellyfish, his mother-in-law (funny in and of itself)) that he literally leaves the water with fear, his feet spin while he is suspended over the water, and then he runs atop the water to dry land.
13. "You might be a redneck..." jokes.
14. Number 13.
15. When elderly people have deteriorating brains and must be led around, told who everyone is, and are constantly disoriented. But only when it is funny.
16. A clown that's at a child's birthday party, but he can't make the kids laugh. They're all just miserable and crying. But the clown isn't a weird serial killer or pedophile or anything, he's a nice guy, just not a talented clown.
17. Guys in suits covered in mud chasing a hillbilly through a swamp.
18. A guy with bugged-out eyes (see Marty Feldman. He was a good man.)
19. A guy who is a horrible singer that thinks he's good singing in front of hundreds of people. they all ridicule him (but his self-esteem is like steel, so really this is very funny, even to him).
20. A guy with no clothes, who is forced to wear a barrel for clothes.
21. The guess what / chicken butt maneuver.
22. Whenever someone is hiding so that they can jump out and surprise a person, but then that person they want to surprise sneaks up on them.
23. A gray cloud over someone's head that indicates that they are mad.
24. Staring someone straight in the eyes and saying "belch".
25. When someone says something obvious and then the camera focuses on someone else who says "duh!" and then the live studio audience laughs.
26. When someone sees a hot girl and their eyes shoot out and their tongue rolls out like a carpet, as long as these things aren't permanent things that would really affect their life in a negative way. Also, as long as the girl doesn't feel sexually harassed or anything, like she likes the attention and finds it charming or cute or whatever.
27. An older guy (long, blonde hair) with GIANT teeth who is funny and nice, not mean.
28. Getting really chapped hands in the winter that bleed occasionally.
29. Actually, after thinking about it, there's really nothing funny about number 28.
30. The fact that apple juice and urine look identical when put into a clear drinking glass.
31. When you think someone's following you in a dark alley, then you look behind you to realize it was only the sole of your shoe, or a stray puppy or something. Not a murderer. That's not funny.
32. Making a funny face to just about anyone.
33. Calling someone a "grouch" when in reality they're super nice, cause doing this wouldn't bother them anyway, but you'd get a kick out of it.
34. Hitting animals with hammers. If the person doing the hitting is also an animal, the hammer is oversized, and the hit animal goes all accordion-like as a result.
35. A man who looks very handsome from behind, so someone lovely approaches him, only to learn that he is actually quite disgusting. And also he's totally okay with himself because he realizes he has lots of good qualities. But she doesn't know that.
36. The Hamburglar.
37. Getting a rock in your trick-or-treat sack.
38. Funny voices in serious situations. (Not life-threatening serious. Just sorta serious)
39. If someone were to go cow tipping, but when they try, they actually fall over and then the cow might poop on them, or maybe they just fall into cow poop, and what if the cow started laughing? In a human voice!?
40. Dumping your fiance at the altar...to go to a really fun get-together! (She's there, too!)
41. Any animal wearing glasses. In reality they can see just fine.
42. Nothing in the world is funny.
43. Poop, period.
44. When you drink pop and then laugh, subsequently getting that fizzy feeling in your nose (except this time it doesn't hurt) and you're laughing and your friends are laughing and a great booming voice from nowhere says, "Somebody get this kid a doctor!" Where'd that voice come from?!
45. Seriously, where did that voice come from? Oh! And another funny thing is if the voice has a funny accent, like German or Persian or something. I don't know, something funny.
46. The confusion regarding numbers 28 and 29.
47. What is a joke?
48. A person who speaks in a voice that does not match their appearance.
49. If you're playing Clue, and it is really hard, and no one can figure out the mystery, and then your dad realizes he never put the cards in the case envelope and instead just passed them out. Then anytime your family wants to play Clue again, someone goes "Don't let Dad be in charge of the cards!" and everyone kinda laughs and winks at him, and your dad has a red face, and he's smiling too. And then, while you're playing, the family cat jumps on the table, and Mom goes "Looks like someone wants to be a detective!" and your little brother goes "He can be on my team!" and there is just so much laughing.
50. If you farted and it was kind of whistle-y. Like it played the theme from the Andy Griffith Show unexpectedly, that would be one example.
51. That commercial where the baby is running around in a walker, and it is like running up walls and stuff while "Sabre Dance" plays.
52. Any guy that's named "Fats." (Bonus points if he's actually fat. Although, if he's skinny I guess that would get irony points.)
53. The word "chortle." Wtf? It's like, who made that word up?
Oh...I'm being told it was Lewis Carroll. That's still pretty funny, though, right?
54. In Disney's Aladdin when the cave of wonders says "diamond in the rough" and it echoes a whole bunch. I don't know why, I just think that's really funny.
55. When you're at your wedding, and you look back to your best man to hand you the ring, and instead he pulls out something different as a joke, like a rubber chicken or a donut or something. Then after a laugh, he acts like he still doesn't know where the ring is, but he does, and pulls it out. I'd be so mad, though!
56. The phrase "Vaginal Canal" written in calligraphy on an otherwise blank sheet of paper.
57. If maybe one of your close friends was actually a robot. Like a friendly robot.
58. The thing that happens when one person laughs at something in a quiet room, and then quickly shuts up because no one else is laughing, and then everyone starts laughing because of it.
59. A jigsaw puzzle that didn't actually fit together. And seeing how long it would take a person to realize it. Especially if the puzzle was like a 20 piece. And the person was still thinking about it for so long.
60. The candles that when you blow them out, they light themselves again. That must have came to someone in a dream.
61. Medical jargon applied in non-related situations. (I'd give an example, but it's not like I'm a doctor. C'mon.)
62. The word "booger-lover," as in, "Pontius, you're always eating your boogers. You're such a booger-lover."
63. Any hyphenated word.
64. When someone does a face to put someone in a good mood, or to make them laugh, but they don't laugh. Cause then the person that did the face or whatever is all self conscious about making the face and being so vulnerable, but anyway later the person that was in a bad mood says, "Hey, that was actually funny. I just didn't laugh cause i was in a bad mood." Then the person feels better about it, and might have a laugh. Actually, they both probably have a laugh at this, even though he probably won't make that face anymore.
65. When a bus driver yells at all the kids, "Shut up and sit down back there," and all the kids are upset. Then the bus driver cracks a smile and says "Or you won't get any candy!" and then candy starts to fall from somewhere above, like coming out of that escape hatch on the roof or whatever. Plus the guy on the radio's talking about how nice the weather is that day and he says something like, "Today is for the kiiiiiiids!" and everyone's singing. I don't know, just something i thought of.
66. A jukebox with only two CDs-- Ace of Bass - "The Sign" and another copy of Ace of Bass - "The Sign".
67. Gallows humor?
68. What if you were wandering around Disney World or Six Flags or something with your friends and then all of the sudden you saw this ride that was [you]:the ride. And no one asked you if they could do it or anything, but there it was, like a roller coaster with your face on the front and then you rode it and for the rest of the day everyone was like making jokes about you being a fun ride, or how they could ride you all night long or whatever. And then when you got to the place where they show your picture from the ride, everyone saw that you were licking the ear of the person next to you while giving a thumbs up. And that person is a stranger and looks really concerned in the pic.
69. Hehe.
70. If real life was like the old time silent movies in that whenever someone stole something, or did something cheeky, we'd run around all sped-up with like a honky-tonk piano playing, you know? And someone would say, "Don't let that old coot get away!" except you wouldn't actually say it, but it'd appear on screen as a title slide since there was no sound. Times were rough back then.
71. If you could just dig your hands in the dirt anywhere and bring up a handful of gold. People would be like, "How can you do that?"
72. If you put a skull on a post outside of your best friend's door so that when they came out in the morning they saw it there and it was like a really funny inside joke between the two of you.
73. Two words: Shaq Attack.
74. The opening sequence to Home Improvement, especially the grunts.
75. If your second-smallest toe was tie-dyed without explanation.
76. If you say "noodlin'" to mean messing around, i.e. "Quit noodlin' with those dials, you'll break the television box!"
77. Also, in Disney's Aladdin, when Jafar calls prince "Ali" (Aladdin) Prince "A-boo-boo" instead. Haha, I love that.
78. Oh! That dancing "millennium baby?" Remember that? Oh, man. it looked so fake and kind of, like, off-putting (see number 63). I just remembered about that baby.
79. Accordions when out-of-place. (i.e. in a basketball game, on a battlefield, during sexual intercourse)
80. If you were going through your CD collection with your girlfriend and you found a copy of Chumbawamba's "Tubthumper," and you'd be like, "What the heck? This isn't mine," and then you'd be really embarrassed because of it, and she'd be like "Wait," and then go out to her car. Then she'd come back in with her hand behind her back and then she'd show you her copy of "Tubthumper," and then you'd be like, "Aww, thanks dear," then get married. And when you tell your kids this story, they'd be like "What?"
82. Maybe if you were walking with some friends in the snow, like you and two or three others, and you were very lost. And you were trudging through the snow-covered streets, trying to find a bistro or something, and talking about how lost you are, and one friend just goes "Follow meeeeeeeeee!" and skates away on one foot in the snow as if by magic, leaving a trail to follow behind him. And maybe you go "I hate when he does that".
83. If there was a burping contest, and one contestant just threw up all over the place, and they couldn't decide whether he won or lost. Also, if there were whole hot dogs in the barf.
84. How we still call the people who owned America before we got here "Indians" because our predecessors were completely ignorant to the fact that they were not in India. ...That's...funny, right?
85. Eureeka's Castle, or parts of it anyway.
86. Going to a funeral wearing JNCOs, and being like, "Hey, you guys remember these? Eh? Eeeehh?"
87. Punching a bird out of the air, mid-flight.
88. When you go on vacation, and then come back and go up to someone and be like, "Hey, I got you something," and then you put your hand in your pocket, but when you pull it out, you give them the middle finger.
89. Spouting antiquated phrases during sexual interaction, i.e. "That's the ticket!", "Good show!", "Spot-on!" and "Positively smashing!"
90. Knee-Js.
91. If, in the American film Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, when Hagrid hunts Harry down and says "you're a wizard Harry!", Harry responded: "and you're a hairy wizard!" and everyone was laughing, even Mr. Dursley.
92. If there was a lady in the street with a sign that said "Free Milk!" and a guy went up and said "where is all the... ooooh. oh." And he was kind grossed out but he had some anyway.
93. Hammurabi's code. Was this guy being serious?!
94. A guy in a Santa suit sitting at a harpsichord. I have a Polaroid of this.
95. The time I dressed up like Beethoven for Halloween and people were asking me, "Who are you, George Washington?" and I'd be like, "You're making me reaaallly angry," and the kids were like "Ooooooh." So then I tore off my Beethoven costume and I was wearing a Freddy Krueger costume underneath and yelled, "I warned you!" at everyone. A lot of the adults and even some of the kids thought that was really innovative.
96. Speaking of Harry Potter, it'd be really funny if the Dementors, when they're off duty, went home to like a totally normal house, like one Dementor would go home and say, "Honey, where's dinner? I'm tired from a long day tormenting at Azkaban" and she'd be like, "You don't appreciate me," and that's when he'd break the news about his affair, and they'd have a long talk about custody rights, and who would get the furniture and who would get the television and DVD collection. Actually, they'd probably split the DVD collection.
97. Puns involving thyme/time... Why wasn't the chef very good? Because he had poor thyme management skills.
98. When a group of people is singing and one person isn't super familiar with the song and they end up singing kinda loud alone when no one else is singing. Haha.
99. Calling someone a boob.
100. The only funny items on this list are numbers 3, 35, 42, 58, and 94, but you still read the whole thing, probably. This is the world's great secret.
There you have it. Now go do something productive.
You know what was cool but also really stupid?
Kit Cloudkicker's cloudsurfer from the cartoon Tailspin. I mean, it was totally sweet because it fit in his pocket and popped open when he pushed a button, but it was also impossible, because it stayed on his feet while he was soaring through the stratosphere like a water skier. Also, bears can't fly planes.
Kit Cloudkicker's cloudsurfer from the cartoon Tailspin. I mean, it was totally sweet because it fit in his pocket and popped open when he pushed a button, but it was also impossible, because it stayed on his feet while he was soaring through the stratosphere like a water skier. Also, bears can't fly planes.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
opening post.
to begin, a poem:
this opening post
is most
important.
welcome to the shimmy blog.
that's all.
expect more soon.
-a & j
(that was the poem. get it?)
this opening post
is most
important.
welcome to the shimmy blog.
that's all.
expect more soon.
-a & j
(that was the poem. get it?)
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