HERE IS A FACT:
You're tired of the same-old, same-old. You have had every pizza topping in the books (The Bible, Papa John's Secret Recipe Book 3000,
Any Bitch Can Cook) and you're bored with all of them. That's where we come in.
The Shimmy is proud to offer this list of innovative pizza topping ideas that will keep your pies original and delicious for the next two decades at least. Enjoy, feasters.
1. Any kind of corn.--"Corn pizza!?" you interrobang, "how sick!" But you'll change your little melody the minute you bite into the end of a cob covered in marinara and three kinds of cheese. It's straight up bonkers how tasty corn makes
any meal, but this is especially true for 'za. If you really want to mix it up, try creamed corn.
2. Bacon grease.--Is there anything more mouth-watering than pan-fried bacon for breakfast? Pizza of course! That's why this topping is such a treat. There are entire articles all over the internet dedicated to uses for bacon grease, when the best use is obvious--dump it on a pizza! Just fry up some bacon, dispose of the strips, and pour the grease evenly over
any type of pizza. Ka-ching! You've combined the two best tastes on the globe into one easy-too-eat pleasurecluster for the mouth.
"But Shimmy," you might say, "I tried this and scalded my mouth, throat, innards, etc. on the grease!" Well sure. That's part of the experience. We're going for UNIQUE pizza toppings, remember? But if you can't handle it, then you can always try this alternative method: let the grease sit in the pan for a few hours, right out in the elements. Once it's turned to glop, grab a spatula and spread a generous layer from crust to crust. This gives the pizza a texture that can only be described as Spackle-esque, and it just might become your go-to add-on.
3. Hot dog shavings--Sometimes, the best ideas come from places you'd never expect. I was putting together one of my old standbys--lettuce, husks, cottage cheese and soy sauce on a barley crust--when I decided I'd mix things up. I asked my little nephew, who would share the pizza with me, what he wanted on it. He only thought for a second before making his suggestion with glee--hot dogs! It's not what I would've picked, but I made it happen. The results were a surprise on level with winning two free iPod Nanos on the internet. I was overjoyed.
The problem, of course, is that the minute you start throwing chunks of Hebrew Nationals on a pizza is the minute people stop taking you seriously. I needed a way to provide the all the oral nuances of hot dogs without any of the stigma. That's when I came up with
hot dog shavings. They look so good, no one will know that they aren't some gourmet concoction. Problem solved.
The method for making
hot dog shavings is easier than you think. Just grab 2-3 large hot dogs (I prefer cooked, but will use uncooked in a pinch) and a potato peeler. I peel the hot dogs right over the pizza for that "fall-where-they-may" look. After you've done all three, put the pizza in the oven. I set it to "broil" for a little extra crackle.
As a bonus, the hot dog middles make an excellent snack while you're waiting for your pizza to cook!
4. You've worn out pepperoni, so why not try
super pepperoni? What the p. is that, you ask? Oh, you know, it's just the topping that's going to
make you fall in love with pizza all over again.
To make a
super pepperoni, grab a bunch of pepperonis and dip them in pretty much any oil (I don't recommend motor or lamp). Then throw the dipped pepperoni into something that'll stick. I like breadcrumbs, alfalfa, Long John Silver's grease crumblies, and salt, but you should experiment on this one. Once the oily pep is covered in a foreign substance, toss em on the 'za and dig in! You'll thank me so hard.
5. Last but not least, you can top your pizza with
another type of pizza. Now that you've read it, I'm sure you're thinking "oh geez, how obvious," but be honest--have you ever done it before? I didn't think so.
Adding
another type of pizza to your pizza is the ultimate strategy for kicking your boring meal right in the farter. Eating a deep-dish meat lovers? Put a thin-crust veggie on top. Making a BBQ chicken, Chicago-style? Why not cover it with three personal pans? I've even topped a water chestnut and avocado New York slice with a few
Bagel Bites on the go.
You cannot go wrong with this method. You just can't.
On behalf of myself and the rest of the Shimmy staff, I'd like to thank you for reading this list and continuing to experiment with pizza originality. It's people like you, who are willing to try new things and
get your hands dirty, that make all the difference.
