Man, times were tough back then.
Wait, lady! That's not your husband, it's a witch behind you! She's so mad! Happy Hallowe'en!Hahaha oh man. I love the old days.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Old Time Hallowe'en
So, I was reading about way back in the old days Hallowe'en. And, like, in the 19th century, young girls in Virginia and some other old-time states would play "divination games", and sometimes they would try to see if they could figure out who they would marry. One of the games was that a girl would look into a mirror in the dark on Hallowe'en, and then she would see the face of her husband. And I just had a chuckle because I thought, what if she saw that guy's face in the mirror, and he was like, "Hey, baby, you must be tired cause you've been running through my dreams all night!" Hahaha, you know?
Man, times were tough back then.
Wait, lady! That's not your husband, it's a witch behind you! She's so mad! Happy Hallowe'en!
Hahaha oh man. I love the old days.
Man, times were tough back then.
Wait, lady! That's not your husband, it's a witch behind you! She's so mad! Happy Hallowe'en!Hahaha oh man. I love the old days.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Jack-O-Lantern Contest 2011!
Hello again!
The leaves are falling, the leaves are changing colors, the leaves are landing on your car, and on your driveway. You have to rake the leaves. That means it must be Hallowe'en! Or close to it, anyway. So it's also time for our annual Jack-O-Lantern contest (2011 edition)! Please send us videos of you eating your best Jack-O-Lantern. Only one submission per person, please! All videos must be received by October 3oth!
All submissions be sent to dotheshimmy@gmail.com
And just to be clear, there are no prizes. Everyone is a winner.
Happy Spooky Month!
Love,
The Shimmy
P.S. Please, this year do not send us your hospital bills along with your videos.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Why I hate pigs.
There are so many reasons that I hate pigs.
First of all, they're lazy. They lie there like idiots all the time. In the sun. Don't they know it's hot? Plus they have all of that mud and stuff on them, which makes them even hotter. "Get that mud off you, you sickos!" I yell at them, but they don't understand because they're so stupid. They make an awful noise, too. All the time. Why would they do that? Hey, stop making that annoying sound all the time and get a job, weirdos. Also, they are so disgusting. Pretty much all they do all day is eat slop, poop it out, then eat it again. That's like if you took a bunch of your favorite food, put it in a blender, drank it, pooped it, then ate that. Would you do that? If you love pigs, then probably you would. No offense. And so many people think they're so cute. I saw a stuffed animal pig at the mall and nearly made a puke. I would never eat BBQ pork, even though it's delicious. Do you like pigs? Don't say yes, because I'm so mad. The only way I would ever even look at a pig is if it were wearing a sweater, or if he was Gordy. Because Gordy actually did something with his life. If it weren't for Gordy, I would probably hate all pigs. It's because of watching Gordy everyday as a kid that I love pigs today.
Thank you, Gordy.
First of all, they're lazy. They lie there like idiots all the time. In the sun. Don't they know it's hot? Plus they have all of that mud and stuff on them, which makes them even hotter. "Get that mud off you, you sickos!" I yell at them, but they don't understand because they're so stupid. They make an awful noise, too. All the time. Why would they do that? Hey, stop making that annoying sound all the time and get a job, weirdos. Also, they are so disgusting. Pretty much all they do all day is eat slop, poop it out, then eat it again. That's like if you took a bunch of your favorite food, put it in a blender, drank it, pooped it, then ate that. Would you do that? If you love pigs, then probably you would. No offense. And so many people think they're so cute. I saw a stuffed animal pig at the mall and nearly made a puke. I would never eat BBQ pork, even though it's delicious. Do you like pigs? Don't say yes, because I'm so mad. The only way I would ever even look at a pig is if it were wearing a sweater, or if he was Gordy. Because Gordy actually did something with his life. If it weren't for Gordy, I would probably hate all pigs. It's because of watching Gordy everyday as a kid that I love pigs today.
Thank you, Gordy.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
For Those Who Forsook Us
Hello, "friends."
You decided that, instead of following us on Twitter, which is just about the easiest thing a person can do, you would instead scorn and forsake us. Now, you'll get what's coming to you.
A bag of Doritos™! We are proud of you for standing up for what you believe in and refusing to cave in to peer pressure. For that reason, we at The Shimmy staff have pooled our resources and purchased dozens of bags of Doritos™ brand tortilla chips. Simply send us a message (dotheshimmy at gmail daught com) and let us know what flavor you prefer* and give us your address. We'll take care of the rest.
Thank you for keeping us humble, and please know that, should you change your mind and follow @do_the_shimmy in the future, we will welcome you back with open arms.**
*We're sorry, but we cannot offer Doritos™ Collisions™ as part of this promotion.
**You will, however, have to return your bag of Doritos™.
You decided that, instead of following us on Twitter, which is just about the easiest thing a person can do, you would instead scorn and forsake us. Now, you'll get what's coming to you.
A bag of Doritos™! We are proud of you for standing up for what you believe in and refusing to cave in to peer pressure. For that reason, we at The Shimmy staff have pooled our resources and purchased dozens of bags of Doritos™ brand tortilla chips. Simply send us a message (dotheshimmy at gmail daught com) and let us know what flavor you prefer* and give us your address. We'll take care of the rest.
Thank you for keeping us humble, and please know that, should you change your mind and follow @do_the_shimmy in the future, we will welcome you back with open arms.**
*We're sorry, but we cannot offer Doritos™ Collisions™ as part of this promotion.
**You will, however, have to return your bag of Doritos™.
Your curiosity fufilled
An army of followers.
Ground-breaking tweets.
A hip, fresh marketing campaign like nothing anyone has ever seen.
Shimmy staff working around the clock.
The Shimmy has gone from virtually unknown to internet sensation overnight. The question on everyone’s mind?
TO
WHAT
END
Two words, faithful droves:
PROJECT SHIMMY/JIMMY
Project Shimmy/Jimmy is The Shimmy’s ambitious mission to do what every comedy writer aspires to do: guest-write for Jimmy Kimmel Live!!
The weeknightly monologue Jimmy Kimmel delivers is comedy at its most immediate, most raw, and most intriguing. You may not be aware of this, but because the jokes are usually inspired by current events, Jimmy’s writers often write the monologue material THE VERY NIGHT JIMMY DELIVERS IT! Talk about instant gratification1
The staff at The Shimmy would like a crack at this prestigious task, and that’s why we’ve worked so hard to promote The Shimmy name. Now that we’re rising stars, we plan to use social networking to gain exposure that Kimmel and crew simply cannot overlook. The best part is, we’re going to let you help.
For the next few weeks, we’ll be tweeting jokes that we think would be perfect for Jimmy’s monologue. They’ll be tagged with #pleasejimmy, a hashtag that is sure to become an instant internet meme. If you think that the joke is up to Jimmy Kimmel Live! caliber, kindly retweet it to your followers. You can also talk about Project Shimmy/Jimmy on Facebook or Friendster!
It’s a big dream, but people like you can make it happen. Thank you in advance for making Project Shimmy/Jimmy a rousing success.
With feigned humility,
The Shimmy Staff
Friday, September 17, 2010
T-shirt slogan ideas.
T-shirt slogans I thought of. These would be good T-shirts.
"If you were this T-shirt, you'd be home by now."
"If there's blood on this T-shirt, ignore it."
"If there's blood on this T-shirt, call a doctor."
"A few of my favorite things: puppies, long walks on the beach, good books, this T-shirt"
"I'm afraid."
"My other T-shirt is this same T-shirt."
"Hey baby, let's touch T-shirts."
"My T-shirt likes you! Hahahahaha"
Anyway, good-bye.
"If you were this T-shirt, you'd be home by now."
"If there's blood on this T-shirt, ignore it."
"If there's blood on this T-shirt, call a doctor."
"A few of my favorite things: puppies, long walks on the beach, good books, this T-shirt"
"I'm afraid."
"My other T-shirt is this same T-shirt."
"Hey baby, let's touch T-shirts."
"My T-shirt likes you! Hahahahaha"
Anyway, good-bye.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Another crack at the caption contest
After months of discouragement-driven silence, the Shimmy is back with another set of great captions that The New Yorker will probably ignore.
Sup?
Why were you hiding behind my office tree?
Your face has a weird shape.
This isn't my penis or anything; it's an animal.
You have a weird face.
I have a piano lesson tonight.
What's going on with the window behind me? Is that like a really thick window frame, or what? Who drew on it? Who messed up the blinds? I bet it was the same person that killed my alligator.
You are fired.
Why were you hiding behind my office tree?
Your face has a weird shape.
This isn't my penis or anything; it's an animal.
You have a weird face.
I have a piano lesson tonight.
What's going on with the window behind me? Is that like a really thick window frame, or what? Who drew on it? Who messed up the blinds? I bet it was the same person that killed my alligator.
You are fired.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Scumbag Haiku #1 & #2
I love you, baby,
mostly more than anything,
except your sister.
----------------------------
That dress is lovely,
and so are those pearl earrings,
but your face is not.
mostly more than anything,
except your sister.
----------------------------
That dress is lovely,
and so are those pearl earrings,
but your face is not.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Pizza Topping Ideas
HERE IS A FACT:
You're tired of the same-old, same-old. You have had every pizza topping in the books (The Bible, Papa John's Secret Recipe Book 3000, Any Bitch Can Cook) and you're bored with all of them. That's where we come in.
The Shimmy is proud to offer this list of innovative pizza topping ideas that will keep your pies original and delicious for the next two decades at least. Enjoy, feasters.
1. Any kind of corn.--"Corn pizza!?" you interrobang, "how sick!" But you'll change your little melody the minute you bite into the end of a cob covered in marinara and three kinds of cheese. It's straight up bonkers how tasty corn makes any meal, but this is especially true for 'za. If you really want to mix it up, try creamed corn.
2. Bacon grease.--Is there anything more mouth-watering than pan-fried bacon for breakfast? Pizza of course! That's why this topping is such a treat. There are entire articles all over the internet dedicated to uses for bacon grease, when the best use is obvious--dump it on a pizza! Just fry up some bacon, dispose of the strips, and pour the grease evenly over any type of pizza. Ka-ching! You've combined the two best tastes on the globe into one easy-too-eat pleasurecluster for the mouth.
"But Shimmy," you might say, "I tried this and scalded my mouth, throat, innards, etc. on the grease!" Well sure. That's part of the experience. We're going for UNIQUE pizza toppings, remember? But if you can't handle it, then you can always try this alternative method: let the grease sit in the pan for a few hours, right out in the elements. Once it's turned to glop, grab a spatula and spread a generous layer from crust to crust. This gives the pizza a texture that can only be described as Spackle-esque, and it just might become your go-to add-on.
3. Hot dog shavings--Sometimes, the best ideas come from places you'd never expect. I was putting together one of my old standbys--lettuce, husks, cottage cheese and soy sauce on a barley crust--when I decided I'd mix things up. I asked my little nephew, who would share the pizza with me, what he wanted on it. He only thought for a second before making his suggestion with glee--hot dogs! It's not what I would've picked, but I made it happen. The results were a surprise on level with winning two free iPod Nanos on the internet. I was overjoyed.
The problem, of course, is that the minute you start throwing chunks of Hebrew Nationals on a pizza is the minute people stop taking you seriously. I needed a way to provide the all the oral nuances of hot dogs without any of the stigma. That's when I came up with hot dog shavings. They look so good, no one will know that they aren't some gourmet concoction. Problem solved.
The method for making hot dog shavings is easier than you think. Just grab 2-3 large hot dogs (I prefer cooked, but will use uncooked in a pinch) and a potato peeler. I peel the hot dogs right over the pizza for that "fall-where-they-may" look. After you've done all three, put the pizza in the oven. I set it to "broil" for a little extra crackle.
As a bonus, the hot dog middles make an excellent snack while you're waiting for your pizza to cook!
4. You've worn out pepperoni, so why not try super pepperoni? What the p. is that, you ask? Oh, you know, it's just the topping that's going to make you fall in love with pizza all over again.
To make a super pepperoni, grab a bunch of pepperonis and dip them in pretty much any oil (I don't recommend motor or lamp). Then throw the dipped pepperoni into something that'll stick. I like breadcrumbs, alfalfa, Long John Silver's grease crumblies, and salt, but you should experiment on this one. Once the oily pep is covered in a foreign substance, toss em on the 'za and dig in! You'll thank me so hard.
5. Last but not least, you can top your pizza with another type of pizza. Now that you've read it, I'm sure you're thinking "oh geez, how obvious," but be honest--have you ever done it before? I didn't think so.
Adding another type of pizza to your pizza is the ultimate strategy for kicking your boring meal right in the farter. Eating a deep-dish meat lovers? Put a thin-crust veggie on top. Making a BBQ chicken, Chicago-style? Why not cover it with three personal pans? I've even topped a water chestnut and avocado New York slice with a few Bagel Bites on the go.You cannot go wrong with this method. You just can't.
On behalf of myself and the rest of the Shimmy staff, I'd like to thank you for reading this list and continuing to experiment with pizza originality. It's people like you, who are willing to try new things and get your hands dirty, that make all the difference.
You're tired of the same-old, same-old. You have had every pizza topping in the books (The Bible, Papa John's Secret Recipe Book 3000, Any Bitch Can Cook) and you're bored with all of them. That's where we come in.
The Shimmy is proud to offer this list of innovative pizza topping ideas that will keep your pies original and delicious for the next two decades at least. Enjoy, feasters.
1. Any kind of corn.--"Corn pizza!?" you interrobang, "how sick!" But you'll change your little melody the minute you bite into the end of a cob covered in marinara and three kinds of cheese. It's straight up bonkers how tasty corn makes any meal, but this is especially true for 'za. If you really want to mix it up, try creamed corn.
2. Bacon grease.--Is there anything more mouth-watering than pan-fried bacon for breakfast? Pizza of course! That's why this topping is such a treat. There are entire articles all over the internet dedicated to uses for bacon grease, when the best use is obvious--dump it on a pizza! Just fry up some bacon, dispose of the strips, and pour the grease evenly over any type of pizza. Ka-ching! You've combined the two best tastes on the globe into one easy-too-eat pleasurecluster for the mouth.
"But Shimmy," you might say, "I tried this and scalded my mouth, throat, innards, etc. on the grease!" Well sure. That's part of the experience. We're going for UNIQUE pizza toppings, remember? But if you can't handle it, then you can always try this alternative method: let the grease sit in the pan for a few hours, right out in the elements. Once it's turned to glop, grab a spatula and spread a generous layer from crust to crust. This gives the pizza a texture that can only be described as Spackle-esque, and it just might become your go-to add-on.
3. Hot dog shavings--Sometimes, the best ideas come from places you'd never expect. I was putting together one of my old standbys--lettuce, husks, cottage cheese and soy sauce on a barley crust--when I decided I'd mix things up. I asked my little nephew, who would share the pizza with me, what he wanted on it. He only thought for a second before making his suggestion with glee--hot dogs! It's not what I would've picked, but I made it happen. The results were a surprise on level with winning two free iPod Nanos on the internet. I was overjoyed.
The problem, of course, is that the minute you start throwing chunks of Hebrew Nationals on a pizza is the minute people stop taking you seriously. I needed a way to provide the all the oral nuances of hot dogs without any of the stigma. That's when I came up with hot dog shavings. They look so good, no one will know that they aren't some gourmet concoction. Problem solved.
The method for making hot dog shavings is easier than you think. Just grab 2-3 large hot dogs (I prefer cooked, but will use uncooked in a pinch) and a potato peeler. I peel the hot dogs right over the pizza for that "fall-where-they-may" look. After you've done all three, put the pizza in the oven. I set it to "broil" for a little extra crackle.
As a bonus, the hot dog middles make an excellent snack while you're waiting for your pizza to cook!
4. You've worn out pepperoni, so why not try super pepperoni? What the p. is that, you ask? Oh, you know, it's just the topping that's going to make you fall in love with pizza all over again.
To make a super pepperoni, grab a bunch of pepperonis and dip them in pretty much any oil (I don't recommend motor or lamp). Then throw the dipped pepperoni into something that'll stick. I like breadcrumbs, alfalfa, Long John Silver's grease crumblies, and salt, but you should experiment on this one. Once the oily pep is covered in a foreign substance, toss em on the 'za and dig in! You'll thank me so hard.
5. Last but not least, you can top your pizza with another type of pizza. Now that you've read it, I'm sure you're thinking "oh geez, how obvious," but be honest--have you ever done it before? I didn't think so.
Adding another type of pizza to your pizza is the ultimate strategy for kicking your boring meal right in the farter. Eating a deep-dish meat lovers? Put a thin-crust veggie on top. Making a BBQ chicken, Chicago-style? Why not cover it with three personal pans? I've even topped a water chestnut and avocado New York slice with a few Bagel Bites on the go.You cannot go wrong with this method. You just can't.
On behalf of myself and the rest of the Shimmy staff, I'd like to thank you for reading this list and continuing to experiment with pizza originality. It's people like you, who are willing to try new things and get your hands dirty, that make all the difference.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Rip-off.
More caption fun:
"Why did you buy this?"
"This Hummer is poorly drawn."
"I don't think I love you anymore."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Who parked this here?"
"I think my car is melting."
"Why did you buy this?"
"This Hummer is poorly drawn."
"I don't think I love you anymore."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Who parked this here?"
"I think my car is melting."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Caption Contest Woes
Here at The Shimmy, we pride ourselves on writing great captions. I mean, it's right on our business cards.
So why is the New Yorker shunning us!? We enter almost every week, and they always give the prize to some doucher instead of the rightful victors: us.
Here is a great example. Check out our sweet captions for this picture.
"Why are you down there?"
"What are you?"
"What's going on?"
"One man crawls on all fours while another man looks confused."
"Where is your suit?"
"Do you have any Oreos?"
"See this tie?
"Franklin Delano Rosevelt, Age 8."
See how awesome? What gives?
So why is the New Yorker shunning us!? We enter almost every week, and they always give the prize to some doucher instead of the rightful victors: us.
Here is a great example. Check out our sweet captions for this picture.
"Why are you down there?"
"What are you?"
"What's going on?"
"One man crawls on all fours while another man looks confused."
"Where is your suit?"
"Do you have any Oreos?"
"See this tie?
"Franklin Delano Rosevelt, Age 8."
See how awesome? What gives?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Six Things to Eat
If you're in the mood for barfing, eat one or all of these things:
1. Screws.
2. A Crow's Beak.
3. Can of mace.
4. Can of mice.
5. Creamed corn mixed with bark.
6. Asbestos Sandwich.
1. Screws.
2. A Crow's Beak.
3. Can of mace.
4. Can of mice.
5. Creamed corn mixed with bark.
6. Asbestos Sandwich.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sorry About the Mess: A Star Wars FanFic by Andrew
Lately I've gotten SOOOO into fan fiction. I've been trying to capture the voice of the genre. Hope you enjoy.
Chewbacca was chilling at Mos Eisley cantina waiting for Han to get out of the bathroom which might take a while because Han had like 15 Beam and Blue Milk's and a double dewback burger with extra cheese and Chewie was getting really bored so he stood up and these two droids came up to him and they were hot-looking girl droids and Wuher the bartender was like we don't serve your kind here and Chewie growled at him a little bit so he chilled out.
"Hey sexy wookie we're two HRDs and we want to have a 3-way with you for the whole afternoon." They said.
And Chew grunted his approval and the chick droids asked for like 200 credits each and Chewie got pissed and growled (really loud!) and scared the two droids and then he tore the arm off of one and the leg off another and Wuher started laughing and then so did Chewie but the droids didn't and then Han stumbled out of the bathroom and was like "Hey Chewie let's get more drunk" and so they did and I think the droids just left or something.
Chewbacca was chilling at Mos Eisley cantina waiting for Han to get out of the bathroom which might take a while because Han had like 15 Beam and Blue Milk's and a double dewback burger with extra cheese and Chewie was getting really bored so he stood up and these two droids came up to him and they were hot-looking girl droids and Wuher the bartender was like we don't serve your kind here and Chewie growled at him a little bit so he chilled out.
"Hey sexy wookie we're two HRDs and we want to have a 3-way with you for the whole afternoon." They said.
And Chew grunted his approval and the chick droids asked for like 200 credits each and Chewie got pissed and growled (really loud!) and scared the two droids and then he tore the arm off of one and the leg off another and Wuher started laughing and then so did Chewie but the droids didn't and then Han stumbled out of the bathroom and was like "Hey Chewie let's get more drunk" and so they did and I think the droids just left or something.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Some diseases I made up.
- Blood Face- This one really is bad because blood comes out of your face a lot. It's often very awkward, like when you're giving blood and the nurse can't find the vein in your arm. You start to get kind of noticeably upset, and the nurse is flustered cause it's her first day on the job. Then, blood starts to ooze from your face and she looks up, so you're like, "Well, your job just got a lot easier." She looks surprised, then relieved.
- Yawning- It's contageous like a disease, am I right? So is laughter, sometimes.
- Tuxedo Skin- Self-explanatory.
- Being Annoying
- Malaysian Melting Shin Disease- This mysterious and horrifying malady is contracted in Malaysia.
- Thrombosis- Actually, some people have this.
- Burning Belly- I think I have this. Right now.
See ya.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
For Old Time's Sake
A new Story With Sauce, which I am only barely authorized to write. Maybe it should be called something else.
An invitation arrives. For an eating contest! The participants can choose what they eat. Mindy chooses jelly. Haper picks nickels. You go with bacon (bits?) WRONG CHOICE! It wasn't even an eating contest, it was obviously a food-choosing contest. Who will Dole out the punishment? You're waiting in the room, the little room with the faucet drip. Drip. Hum the tune... The door opens. It's Bob Dole! His name was a pun, and you've won the prize. The prize is a mousetrap (mouse included) Everyone loves it, and all this time you thought you were a Democrat.
An invitation arrives. For an eating contest! The participants can choose what they eat. Mindy chooses jelly. Haper picks nickels. You go with bacon (bits?) WRONG CHOICE! It wasn't even an eating contest, it was obviously a food-choosing contest. Who will Dole out the punishment? You're waiting in the room, the little room with the faucet drip. Drip. Hum the tune... The door opens. It's Bob Dole! His name was a pun, and you've won the prize. The prize is a mousetrap (mouse included) Everyone loves it, and all this time you thought you were a Democrat.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Listen up, jerks
There have been a lot of rumors about this blog falling asleep or maybe dying and those rumors are squelched. More updates will come.
Here's one of our Google image searches, for "Pudding Monster"
Pudding Monster
Here's one of our Google image searches, for "Pudding Monster"
Pudding Monster
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
R.L. Stine would be proud.
So, I was watching this great program on E! last month: a rigorous retrospective on the life and career of famed author R.L. Stine, and was hit with a great idea for a Goosebumps book.
Here goes...
#63: There's Something Strange...About Dad
In this installment, 13-year-old Kevin Jones and his 8-year-old sister Elizabeth "Bitty" Jones find themselves in quite a conundrum. It seems their widower dad might be an evil warlock bent on world domination via magick (ancient magic)!
Oh no!
As the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse (that happens once every thousand years or something) approaches, their dad starts acting very strange! He sends them to a camp the week of the Eclipse. The night of it, they sneak out and back home with the help of Ed, the "cool," child-hearted camp counselor who is also the only one who believes their wild story.
Anyway, when they get to their house, they go inside. However, instead of a magick ritual, they find Mr. Jones wearing the skin of a young librarian, dancing around the house in the dark with the song "Black Magic Woman" by Fleetwood Mac blaring. He's not a warlock! He's a serial killer! Woah! When he sees them, he starts screaming, "I'm a pretty boy and you can't kill a pretty boy!" over and over again. He lunges at them with a giant, bloody butcher's knife. Ed jumps in front of the kids to protect them, and takes a fatal blow to the throat, sending blood everywhere. All over the kids.
What are they going to do?!
They manage to run into their dad's room, where there is another young librarian tied to a chair. I think she's dead. They lock the door and call the police. When the police get there, they find Mr. Jones in the fetal position in the bathtub, humming to himself, the librarian skin draped over the curtain rod like a towel. What follows is a three-month long investigation and excavation of the home, under which they discover the bodies of twenty-four more young librarians from all over the tri-state area, which brings the total count up to twenty-six victims (possibly more, as they did find limbs that didn't go to any of the other victims).
Kevin and "Bitty" become wards of the state, and despite their requests, are split up. Kevin is sent to an orphanage in Houston, and "Bitty" is quickly adopted by a middle class family in Dover, Delaware.
"Bitty" goes on to become a veterinarian and amateur painter.
Kevin goes on to become a black magick warlock.
THE END
Sorry I gave away the twist.
and BTW, the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse was a red herring. It's a literary technique.
Red herring on Wikipedia
I've sent several drafts to Mr. Stine's office, but have yet to hear back.
I'll be sure to keep you all updated!
Here goes...
#63: There's Something Strange...About Dad
In this installment, 13-year-old Kevin Jones and his 8-year-old sister Elizabeth "Bitty" Jones find themselves in quite a conundrum. It seems their widower dad might be an evil warlock bent on world domination via magick (ancient magic)!
Oh no!
As the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse (that happens once every thousand years or something) approaches, their dad starts acting very strange! He sends them to a camp the week of the Eclipse. The night of it, they sneak out and back home with the help of Ed, the "cool," child-hearted camp counselor who is also the only one who believes their wild story.
Anyway, when they get to their house, they go inside. However, instead of a magick ritual, they find Mr. Jones wearing the skin of a young librarian, dancing around the house in the dark with the song "Black Magic Woman" by Fleetwood Mac blaring. He's not a warlock! He's a serial killer! Woah! When he sees them, he starts screaming, "I'm a pretty boy and you can't kill a pretty boy!" over and over again. He lunges at them with a giant, bloody butcher's knife. Ed jumps in front of the kids to protect them, and takes a fatal blow to the throat, sending blood everywhere. All over the kids.
What are they going to do?!
They manage to run into their dad's room, where there is another young librarian tied to a chair. I think she's dead. They lock the door and call the police. When the police get there, they find Mr. Jones in the fetal position in the bathtub, humming to himself, the librarian skin draped over the curtain rod like a towel. What follows is a three-month long investigation and excavation of the home, under which they discover the bodies of twenty-four more young librarians from all over the tri-state area, which brings the total count up to twenty-six victims (possibly more, as they did find limbs that didn't go to any of the other victims).
Kevin and "Bitty" become wards of the state, and despite their requests, are split up. Kevin is sent to an orphanage in Houston, and "Bitty" is quickly adopted by a middle class family in Dover, Delaware.
"Bitty" goes on to become a veterinarian and amateur painter.
Kevin goes on to become a black magick warlock.
THE END
Sorry I gave away the twist.
and BTW, the Ancient Harvest Lunar Eclipse was a red herring. It's a literary technique.
Red herring on Wikipedia
I've sent several drafts to Mr. Stine's office, but have yet to hear back.
I'll be sure to keep you all updated!
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