Old Time Hallowe'en

So, I was reading about way back in the old days Hallowe'en. And, like, in the 19th century, young girls in Virginia and some other old-time states would play "divination games", and sometimes they would try to see if they could figure out who they would marry. One of the games was that a girl would look into a mirror in the dark on Hallowe'en, and then she would see the face of her husband. And I just had a chuckle because I thought, what if she saw that guy's face in the mirror, and he was like, "Hey, baby, you must be tired cause you've been running through my dreams all night!" Hahaha, you know?

Man, times were tough back then.

Wait, lady! That's not your husband, it's a witch behind you! She's so mad! Happy Hallowe'en!
Hahaha oh man. I love the old days.

Jack-O-Lantern Contest 2011!

Hello again!

The leaves are falling, the leaves are changing colors, the leaves are landing on your car, and on your driveway. You have to rake the leaves. That means it must be Hallowe'en! Or close to it, anyway. So it's also time for our annual Jack-O-Lantern contest (2011 edition)! Please send us videos of you eating your best Jack-O-Lantern. Only one submission per person, please! All videos must be received by October 3oth!

All submissions be sent to dotheshimmy@gmail.com

And just to be clear, there are no prizes. Everyone is a winner.

Happy Spooky Month!

Love,

The Shimmy

P.S. Please, this year do not send us your hospital bills along with your videos.

Why I hate pigs.

There are so many reasons that I hate pigs.

First of all, they're lazy. They lie there like idiots all the time. In the sun. Don't they know it's hot? Plus they have all of that mud and stuff on them, which makes them even hotter. "Get that mud off you, you sickos!" I yell at them, but they don't understand because they're so stupid. They make an awful noise, too. All the time. Why would they do that? Hey, stop making that annoying sound all the time and get a job, weirdos. Also, they are so disgusting. Pretty much all they do all day is eat slop, poop it out, then eat it again. That's like if you took a bunch of your favorite food, put it in a blender, drank it, pooped it, then ate that. Would you do that? If you love pigs, then probably you would. No offense. And so many people think they're so cute. I saw a stuffed animal pig at the mall and nearly made a puke. I would never eat BBQ pork, even though it's delicious. Do you like pigs? Don't say yes, because I'm so mad. The only way I would ever even look at a pig is if it were wearing a sweater, or if he was Gordy. Because Gordy actually did something with his life. If it weren't for Gordy, I would probably hate all pigs. It's because of watching Gordy everyday as a kid that I love pigs today.

Thank you, Gordy.

For Those Who Forsook Us

Hello, "friends."

You decided that, instead of following us on Twitter, which is just about the easiest thing a person can do, you would instead scorn and forsake us. Now, you'll get what's coming to you.


A bag of Doritos™! We are proud of you for standing up for what you believe in and refusing to cave in to peer pressure. For that reason, we at The Shimmy staff have pooled our resources and purchased dozens of bags of Doritos™ brand tortilla chips. Simply send us a message (dotheshimmy at gmail daught com) and let us know what flavor you prefer* and give us your address. We'll take care of the rest.

Thank you for keeping us humble, and please know that, should you change your mind and follow @do_the_shimmy in the future, we will welcome you back with open arms.**






*We're sorry, but we cannot offer Doritos™ Collisions™ as part of this promotion.

**You will, however, have to return your bag of Doritos™.

Your curiosity fufilled

An army of followers.

Ground-breaking tweets.

A hip, fresh marketing campaign like nothing anyone has ever seen.

Shimmy staff working around the clock.

The Shimmy has gone from virtually unknown to internet sensation overnight. The question on everyone’s mind?

TO

WHAT

END

Two words, faithful droves:

PROJECT SHIMMY/JIMMY

Project Shimmy/Jimmy is The Shimmy’s ambitious mission to do what every comedy writer aspires to do: guest-write for Jimmy Kimmel Live!!

The weeknightly monologue Jimmy Kimmel delivers is comedy at its most immediate, most raw, and most intriguing. You may not be aware of this, but because the jokes are usually inspired by current events, Jimmy’s writers often write the monologue material THE VERY NIGHT JIMMY DELIVERS IT! Talk about instant gratification1

The staff at The Shimmy would like a crack at this prestigious task, and that’s why we’ve worked so hard to promote The Shimmy name. Now that we’re rising stars, we plan to use social networking to gain exposure that Kimmel and crew simply cannot overlook. The best part is, we’re going to let you help.

For the next few weeks, we’ll be tweeting jokes that we think would be perfect for Jimmy’s monologue. They’ll be tagged with #pleasejimmy, a hashtag that is sure to become an instant internet meme. If you think that the joke is up to Jimmy Kimmel Live! caliber, kindly retweet it to your followers. You can also talk about Project Shimmy/Jimmy on Facebook or Friendster!

It’s a big dream, but people like you can make it happen. Thank you in advance for making Project Shimmy/Jimmy a rousing success.

With feigned humility,

The Shimmy Staff

T-shirt slogan ideas.

T-shirt slogans I thought of. These would be good T-shirts.

"If you were this T-shirt, you'd be home by now."
"If there's blood on this T-shirt, ignore it."
"If there's blood on this T-shirt, call a doctor."
"A few of my favorite things: puppies, long walks on the beach, good books, this T-shirt"
"I'm afraid."
"My other T-shirt is this same T-shirt."
"Hey baby, let's touch T-shirts."
"My T-shirt likes you! Hahahahaha"

Anyway, good-bye.

Another crack at the caption contest

After months of discouragement-driven silence, the Shimmy is back with another set of great captions that The New Yorker will probably ignore.

Sup?

Why were you hiding behind my office tree?

Your face has a weird shape.

This isn't my penis or anything; it's an animal.

You have a weird face.

I have a piano lesson tonight.

What's going on with the window behind me? Is that like a really thick window frame, or what? Who drew on it? Who messed up the blinds? I bet it was the same person that killed my alligator.

You are fired.